LOUD N-N-N-N-NOISES! might be the best way to describe the events of incomparably disappointing Red 2. Admittedly, I’m probably in the minority in thinking that the first installment to this inevitable franchise was a solid romp that went a bit deeper than just the symbiotic dependence of a man and woman trapped in circuits of ennui. No, the first film actually dug a bit deeper into memories, transgressions, and the fear of being persecuted for something that felt right in one moment but is truly evil in another time and place.
However, Red 2 – while visually entertaining – doesn’t really even try to do much other than feature explosions, myriad bullets, and Kung Fu courtesy of Han, the token Korean that happens to be the “best contract killer in the world” – repeated twice lest you missed it the first time around. In the beginning, he’s hired to kill Frank Moses (Bruce Willis), but this contract soon falls by the wayside through an unconvincing moral argument that pairs the two together against Bailey (Anthony Hopkins), a man bent on shifting global power.
Also fighting Baily are Marvin (John Malkovich), Victoria (Helen Mirren), and Frank’s girlfriend Sarah (Mary Louise Parker). Being a fan of Weeds, I really dig Parker, but her inclusion in this film is simply an artery for another dozen or so tropes. As Frank wants to remain Retired but Extremely Dangerous (RED), Sarah wants to continue to slake her thirst for excitement. This is all fine and well, but each moment feels forced, particularly when Frank’s former love interest Katja (Cathering Zeta-Jones) is introduced. She had already bilked Moses once and she does it two or three more times in this film, but, as we’re told twice – again – Frank is unable to resist her…until he resists her.
As a note, that was much less a spoiler than an obvious conclusion.
The main problem with Red 2 is that each moment feels as if it was decided by writers who operate under the “Why the hell not” theory. Hmmm…characters are pretty stock, we’ve already offered three twists and a romantic conflict in the first three minutes, might be time for a machine gun to make an appearance. Or, now we can engage Helen Mirren in a Matrix-style slow-motion car chase that has no real bearing on the story, but it’ll be ironical…and much less disturbing than Brian Cox’s rather visceral obsession with Victoria’s feet.
Something else noticeable here is that everything Bruce Willis does is now a shallow incarnation of Die Hard — even the most recent Die Hard. Bruce Willis might be one of the only action stars who can conceivably still pull of the look of an action star in his fifties. Stallone’s face is sagging, Dolph Lundgren looks frozen, and Schwarzenegger can barely walk. Regardless, Willis is now cast in roles that resemble specter of John McClane, not a reincarnation.
