It’s no secret that January is a time when movies go to die. The Oscar push for nominations is at an end. “Best- and Worst-of” lists have been written, smaller critical circle awards have been handed out, and the frontrunners, for the most part, are pretty clear. Admittedly, some films released in January are decent. I was a fan of 2012’s Haywire 2011’s The Company Men, and 2010’s Daybreakers — though I might be in the minority on those. But, for every film that’s worth two hours in a theater in January, there seem to be a dozen that you wouldn’t stream free on Netflix. Perhaps this is because January is so far away from months that tend to be important for award’s consideration – namely, October onward. At times, we get a gem in the spring, like Midnight in Paris or Moonrise Kingdom, but for the most part, the spring and summer months are reserved for blockbusters like The Hunger Games, The Dark Knight Rises and The Amazing Spiderman. So, as we enter January, here’s a look at the past dozen years of January misfires:
10. Bride Wars (2009): With Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway, you’d figure that this movie would at least be cute, possibly even annoyingly so, but in truth, it’s just silly – and not in a cute way. Two brides – best friends – choose the same wedding day. First of all, why? What logic says that these two best friends would not talk to each other prior to setting the date? Yes, there is nostalgia playing in to their decisions, and, yes, there is a clerical error that forces them both to marry on June 6, but this also seems easily remedied by contracts acquired when booking venues and working with wedding planners. While this movie is first and foremost a bureaucratic fallacy, the bigger issue is the ridiculous passive aggression that ensues between the two brides to be. Sweet should never make you gag.
9. Legion (2010): The little old lady that becomes a ravenous, ceiling crawling spawn of Satan gave this film a bit of hope; unfortunately, the rest of the film was as sloppy and schlocky as the special effects used to create this scene. Plus, this film is just a mash-up of other dystopia, near-apocalypse, human incarnations of Satan films. For better results either check out Dogma for the angels-go-a-killing angle, Rosemary’s Baby for “pregnant-with-Satan’s-baby” trope, or The Walking Dead for some apocalyptic dystopia.
8. Tooth Fairy (2010): The Rock – nay Dwayne Johnson – as a mythical creature. What could be funnier than celluloid root canal?
7. Blood Rayne (2006): Luckily for Ben Kingsley, most people have forgotten this movie ever existed. However, if it were released now, it might garner more of a following. After all, it’s about vampires. Namely, one half-vampire / half-human who is the main attraction at a freakshow. Bent on revenge, our vampiress protagonist escapes becomes part of many training montages designed to kill time until the ultimate showdown with none other than the vampire king, her father.
6. You Got Served (2004): For a reason other than the most obvious, this film is on the list because it introduced the titular phrase that was hilariously mocked by South Park. Taking “served” out of the restaurant business volley-based games, You Got Served revels in pseudo slang and the art of fighting your opponents with breakdancing instead of fists. If only this movie were the original training video for the Crips and Bloods, it would be much easier for everyone to get along. Segue: I also wonder whether this film might have been better received – popularly , not critically – had it been released in the last few years when Dancing with the Stars and its other incarnations were at their heights.
5. Final Destination 2 (2003): Channeling George Carlin, I’ll remind the filmmakers that this title is super redundant. A destination implies “final.” It’s where you’re going. It’s where you’re destined to end up. Therefore, “final” is unnecessary. There is no such thing as a second destination – much less third, fourth, or fifth. These are known as pit stops on the way, rest stops on the highway, bathrooms coupled with glazed donut and fried chicken dispensaries, a place from where this script – and its siblings – originated.
4. Kangaroo Jack (2003): Anthropomorphized, talking kangaroo with an attitude and a Brooklyn-embroidered hoodie. And Jerry O’Connell. Plus post-Hang Time, pre-Law & Order Anthony Anderson – if there is much of a difference.
3. Snow Dogs (2002): I’ll buy Cuba Gooding Jr. as a dentist, but Sisqo as a doctor? Perhaps a proctologist, but that’s all.
2. Season of the Witch (2012): You might be saying, But it’s Nic Cage; why isn’t this number one? Because it’s not Meet the Spartans. Regardless, Cage finally makes an appearance on this list, primarily because The Wicker Man and neither Ghost Rider premiered in January. Regardless, this film is so replete with fluff and misguided special effects that it makes The Last Airbender – also not released in January – look like The Social Network. Something directly related to the story – aside from the story – bothers me as well. If the young girl being transported is the suspected source of the Black Plague, would it really be wise to transport her across the country? Isn’t this kind of like sending Typhoid Mary to a community mixer or ice cream social?
1. Meet the Spartans (2008): There are few words to describe how terrible this film is. It is utterly disjointed, replete with parodies of parodies, riddled with poorly delivered – and written – lines, headlined(!) by Carmen Electra and Kevin Sorbo, drowning in lame pop-culture references to Paris Hilton, American Idol and Brittany Spears, desperately wanting to integrate jokes that don’t fit with scenes that make no sense. It lacks the charm of a Hot Shots (Part I and Deux), Blazing Saddles, and Men in Tights, devolving to the assumption that an audience will laugh at anything that pokes fun at Hollywood. What the film, its writers / directors and cast fail to realize is that exhibiting pop-culture phenomenon is not that same at satirizing, parodying, poking fun of, or mocking – it’s just regurgitating.
