Not sure if any of these will not Men in Black III from the top spot, though this weekend’s openings might drive people in droves to Battleship, which is still looking to lose about $200 million domestically. Taylor Kitsch really needs to find a new agent. John Carter + Battleship = career napalm. However, if you’re in the mood for cheesiness, check out Piranha 3DD, now replete with more sexual innuendo and obviousness. Or, you can take your chances with this year’s second incarnation of Snow White, this time less innocent and more medieval. There’s also Battlefield America, but I’m assuming if you’re reading this, you’ve over twelve-years old.
Piranha 3DD: The flesh-eating, prehistoric predators are back, and much like the first installment, they will devour anything with full breasts – thus the cleverness of the title I suppose. Something a bit haunting here, aside from the existence of the sequel, is that it seems to be mimicking the failed third movie in the Jaws franchise. For those of you who blocked the final two installments out of your mind, allow me to refresh a bit: the sons of Amity police chief Brody (Roy Scheider) are employed to protect citizens at a Sea World-type theme park after a thirty-five foot great white – presumably related to the shark in the first movie – gets trapped within its boundaries. Much like the Piranha sequel, this film was also released in 3D. While I’ve mostly grown tired of the 3D gimmick, the more disconcerting part about this movie is that it also takes place at a water park, and while there are sure to be more waterslides and bouncing breasts than trained orcas and leaping dolphins, both films lose sight of their own narrative. If the water is contained at a park – not an ocean – then wouldn’t it be wiser to ask the guests to get out of the water while the superintendents bleach the hell out of it? Nope. It’s best to blow the little critters up.
Snow White and the Huntsman: It looks grittier, darker, and just better than Mirror Mirror, but I’m not sure what that means. I might venture to see this deconstructed fairy tale, but Kristen Stewart holds me back. I liked her in Adventureland, but I’m not sure if Snow White should be a brooding warrior who refuses to smile. On the other hand, I dig Charlize Theron, and her turn as the wicked – seemingly psychotic – Queen could be fun.
Battlefield America: There hasn’t been a new edition to the Step Up franchise is a while, so Battlefield America will sate any appetites hungering for people getting served. I think I used that correctly, but I’m not up on my dance lingo, so you’ll have to forgive my ignorance. This new film is a mix of philanthropy and capitalistic guilt all rolled into a tale of privilege and love. Sean, a successful businessman, gets involved with a group of bad boy (cleverly named Bad Boys), and he wants to teach them how to dance. Why? Not sure. Perhaps dance is the language of survival, or something. Realizing he can’t do it alone, he hires Sara, whose name bespeaks spunky and ethnic, with whom he eventually falls in love. I’m betting he’ll have to “serve” an ex-boyfriend or two, but this probably happens well before he motivates the Bad Boys to win some sort of Long Beach Community College dance tournament or something.
