Just in case you missed it in 1997, Titanic is being released, this time replete with 3D gimmickry. Now you can see Kate Winslet’s breast lunging out of the screen, and the giant iceberg might just appear to be “dead ahead!” If those don’t tickle your fancy, DiCaprio’s icicle body will surely look magnificent in its 3D glory as he sinks to the bottom of the ocean. Sorry about the spoiler and the misinformation that ice sinks. If giving James Cameron more money isn’t your thing, check out the latest installment in the American Pie franchise or Willem Defoe hunting an extinct creature — a fine segue to a film headed by Dane Cook and the potential of his inevitable extinction.
Titanic 3D: To this day, I cringe and the taste of bile crawls up my esophagus each time I hear Celine Dion sing. To be fair, there are emotionally-charged moments in this film: the old couple going to sleep, curled up with each other in both fear and love; the children being tucked in to bed by their mother as she tried to momentarily prohibit the crashing wave that will drown their innocence. But beyond those five minutes of filler, there are one-hundred and eighty minutes of sheer fodder. The story, much like Avatar, is unoriginal and contrived – not to mention improbable. Rose would never fall for Jack. Why? Because Jack smells of moldy potatoes and is mostly illiterate. Sure, sure, love conquers all. Love also encourages people to throw priceless jewels over the bow of a ship. Love also encourages directors to re-release films laden with the gimmick of 3D in order to capitalize on abject mediocrity.
American Reunion: From those who introduced jokes about “band camp” into our vernacular comes the fourth installment of the American Pie franchise. Admittedly, the first two aren’t terrible. The third veers a bit off track. This fourth one will undoubtedly provide a blend of perverse and gross-out humor, as well as proof that Natasha Lyonne and Tara Reid are still alive — or at least cognizant enough to be shot from the neck up. The first signified by Jim and Michelle’s mutually discreet masturbation while their child roams the house. The second by Stifler’s defecation in a cooler. From the outset, this film will try to capitalize on the perpetually-childish-male-realizing-his-adulthood-trumps-his-past-transgression trope made famous by the Apatow canon, but too much Stifler and silly puns about “coming” prophecy this film to be more raunch than substance.
The Hunter: Marin David (Willem Dafoe) is a mercenary sent to gather biological evidence of the Tasmanian Tiger, an animal presumed extinct since 1936. From the trailer, the cinematography looks breathtaking, and this film looks to examine themes involving man versus nature, paranoia, and man’s assumed divinity. If nothing else, Willem Dafoe often plays solidly disturbed characters who are forced to face their own mortality. Those familiar with Antichrist will also be familiar with Dafoe’s ability to convincingly sell and play off insane characters.
Detention: If ever there were a film that promotes the merits of misbehaving, Detention might be it. At a high school in Grizzly Lake, a killer named Cinderhella stalks and picks off the student body one by one – except those who are serving detention. Perhaps this is a horror-movie take on The Breakfast Club, where the dysfunctional differences between the academically incarcerated fit together smoothly to form a conglomerate super group capable of taking down the maniac with a well-written letter. Because Dane Cook is cast as the principal, I’m guessing that this film is supposed to be a marriage of horror and comedy. However, because Dane Cook is cast as the principal, it’s most likely not going to be funny or clever. Rather, punch lines and poignant moments will abandon the contextual setup and just dive into overly emphasized phrases like: detention is fundamental, or because she was fat! If nothing else, the trailer exposes it as a parody of Scream. The flaw inherent here is that Scream was already parodying the politics of horror films, so Detention is merely a parody of a parody.
