Last week’s Big Miracle flopped like a humpback in pudding, but this week, we’re all gearing up for Valentine’s Day. For those of you looking for dinner and a movie, you’ve got your pick between Rachel McAdams, Reese Witherspoon, or animation. (I’m banking on the animation.) Looking for a bit of action, but you’re single, Safe House might be the way to go. Have kids and no babysitter, Dwayne Johnson will kill a couple of hours for you. Want to waste your money? George Lucas is ready to take it.
Journey 2: The Mysterious Island: It’s nice to see that Michael Caine will continue to do most anything for a paycheck. I don’t mean to rip into him too heavily here, but what other multiple-Oscar winning actor can you name that has also been in such classic gems like Jaws 4: The Revenge, Goldmember, and Mr. Destiny. In a way, it’s refreshing that he’s not afraid to slum, but joining the sequel to a remake of a Pat Boone vehicle seems a bit unnecessary. I suppose the good thing is that he’ll be playing second fiddle here to Dwayne Johnson, the action hero-turned-children’s-movie star. Therefore, I suppose this question could also be posed: how many WWE wrestlers have also played the mythical tooth fairy for a paycheck? I foresee a tag-team matchup in a future Wrestle Mania. Segue: IMDB is now listing all WWE pay-per-views as TV movies. Wow. That whole, selling the reality thing has just gone completely out the window for the next generation.
Safe House: Fresh off his superhero-debacle, Green Lantern, Ryan Reynolds is Matt Weston, a young CIA agent working in a safe house. Here, he’s charged with watching the newest admission: Tobin Frost (Denzel Washington), a dangerous man on the lam with a lengthy history. Of course, the safe house is attacked, and Matt must flee with his charge, who will probably ultimately turn on him in a “My survival is imperative”-type soliloquy. I’m also going to guess that Tobin was only brought to the safe house to ensure his ultimate assassination, which would be playing on the “government corruption” angle, etc., etc. At the same time, Washington plays a decent badass, and this could be a fun run to the finish.
Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace 3D: It was disappointing the first time it was released, longer and annoying for its ten-year anniversary release that offered improved visuals and additional footage, and now it’s clear that Lucas isn’t even trying to mask his gimmicks with ingenuity. If you spend your money on this, you’re a sucker and you’ve wasted your money. There’s a reason why Lucas released IV, V, and VI before I, II, and III; the first three in the chronology aren’t that good, the characters are flat, and if we had no knowledge of what awaits Luke in Episode V, these characters would reveal themselves to be nothing more than what they are: time-burning expositors.
The Vow: I made a vow once, but I don’t remember how it worked out. That’s kind of what happens here. Paige (Rachel McAdams) and Leo (Channing Tatum) are lovers whose lives are put in jeopardy by a car crash. Their undying love promises to conquer all, but Paige’s lost memory threatens their happiness and any dry eyes in the audience. This looks a bit too much like The Notebook for me, so I’m going to pass, but it could make for a fine pre-Valentine’s Day movie for anyone too hesitant to rent The General’s Daughter or The Ruins for a nice quiet night at home. There are really only two ways for The Vow to end: in elated happiness or frustrating depression. There’s not enough gray area or irony for me. What are the odds of Paige recovering at the very moment that Leo is struck by the bucket of a bulldozer? Nah. That only happens in Nicolas Cage movies.
Chico & Rita: My bet for the romantic weekend. Fully animated, Chico & Rita tells the tale of two Cuban lovers, Chico and Rita, in 1948 Havana. Music brings them together and its various undulations narrate their romance and subsequent turmoil: Rita is the beautiful singer whose talents transport her from a nation ripe with revolution to New York City, the ultimate symbol of change and mobility. A piano player, Chico stays in Cuba, but the two are ultimately reunited before being torn apart again by political agenda. A 2010 Academy Award nominee for Best Animated Feature, Chico & Rita’s emergence on the big screen should be relished and enjoyed.
This Means War: This new Reese Witherspoon vehicle opens a few days after the weekend, but just in time for that last minute Valentine’s Day movie. Two men. One woman. Two spies. One dame. The former duke it out for the lust of the latter, and for some reason, and maybe I’m basing this off of McG’s history with the Chuck series, I’m betting this ends with a sickly silly twist like Witherspoon as a spy looking to take down FDR (Chris Pine) and Tuck’s (Tom Hardy) organization. At the same time, she could decide that the homoerotic displays of jealousy between the two men are enough to drive her away, leaving them to their repressed desires, but that wouldn’t be much of a Valentine’s Day movie … so maybe it ends with a ménage a trois.
