It was nine o’clock.
The movie started at 9:20. I was at least 15 minutes away from the movie theatre. I’d have to move very quickly if I wanted to see every frame of Pom Wonderful Presents The Greatest Movie Ever Sold.
I squeezed some Crest Pro-Health onto my Oral-B toothbrush. Scrubbed my unsponsored teeth. Rinsed and spit into my Kohler sink. Pulled a tattered Triple 5 Soul jacket around my shoulders. Slapped a Kangol onto my bald head. Slid into my Pontiac Grand Prix and zoomed up the I-395 toward the E Street Cinema. I settled into my seat at about 9:23. At least that’s what time my Blackberry registered.
Morgan Spurlock, as you may have heard, has sold his soul. Again. The provocateur’s latest project delves into the mysteries of branding, advertising and film funding to reveal that strategic and aggressive ubiquity is more or less winning the battle against consumer ambivalence. His latest project is brought to you by a cadre of brands including Amy’s, Ban, Hyatt, JetBlue, Merrell, Mini, Old Navy, Sheetz and, of course, Pom Wonderful.
If you’ve seen Super Size Me or FX’s 30 Days, you already know that Spurlock is an earnest entertainer. His documentary and journalism chops are sincere and certified even as they are underplayed in his quests to brave the various treacheries of modern living. His choice to cast himself as the lead creates straightforward narratives that enable audiences to consider some really complex issues. For that, I think he’s pretty smart.
I met him once very briefly at a film screening in LA. I made the mistake of pitching a half-baked idea almost as soon as I shook his hand. He graciously deflected my proposal. Afterward, I wondered exactly how often he was bombarded by such underwhelming pitches. Sitting in the movie theatre before the Pom Wonderful presentation brought that night back to mind. As an indie producer, he is uniquely qualified to understand both sides of what “No thanks, I’m not interested” feels like. We can presume that he knows what it feels like to hear “No” so often that “Yes” is an awkward surprise. We can also presume that he knows the sweet relief of declining desperate solicitations from hair-brained strangers. Those bookends are very large and only rarely offset each other. Most folks know one, but not the other. Few, like Spurlock, understand how precious the squeeze is. There are, after all, only so many ideas that deserve the creative energy of the teams of people it will take to fully pursue and deliver them.
In Pom Wonderful Presents…, Spurlock exposes most of the dirty bits of the process of exploiting a brand’s resources in order to get a film made. We get to see him pitching a variety of brands. Some of the ones who say no get dissed. Most of the ones who say yes have their products prominently displayed, demonstrated and praised as Spurlock delivers his film. We learn about some of the legalities of branding partnerships. We learn what some filmmakers think of the things that happen in order to get their films made. We learn about the neuroscience that is increasingly being used to inform film marketing practices. We learn what some consumers think of all these efforts to attract their attention and, by extension, their dollars. We also get to watch actual commercials for Pom Wonderful, Hyatt, JetBlue and The Original Mane and Tail that star Spurlock and are inserted somewhat randomly into the film.
The film has two rather breezy acts. And then the movie kinda ends. After it did, I re-tied my Asics Tiger Ultimate 81s and walked to the W Hotel in search of a drink. Sipping on Tanqueray and ice, I tried to figure out what I could say about the film. I thought I liked it. It was entertaining. I did learn a couple of things. But it didn’t really have a resolution. By the time the bartender poured my third Tanqueray, it dawned on me: the release of the film was the resolution. Those ads—even though they were scattered about the midsections of the film—were the third act. Spurlock wanted to find out whether he could secure enough brand support to fully fund the film. He did. All he had to do was produce 100-some watchable minutes and release them. Fade to black. Roll credits. Clap clap clap clap clap.
Except, of course, for the unfortunate obligation of demonstrating ROI to all of his brand partners. Maybe that’s the real third act. Or perhaps it is the epilogue. In any case, it is a daunting task. As I post this from my MacBook Pro, I believe I’ve given Mr. Spurlock one of the 600,000,000 media impressions he needs to obtain in order to make good on his end of the sponsorship arrangement. If you’re reading this, Morgan, you’re welcome. And good luck with the other 599,999,999. As a hungry creative type who has bills to pay, I am truly rooting for you, sir. The cost of the lives we choose is a high one. It is rare that we are able to pay for them unaided.
