As I gather my Bible, Torah, Koran, copy of Watchmen, and print of Dali’s “St. John on the Cross,” I ready myself for the inevitable uber-undulating of the Earth that will occur around 6pm EST. As I’m preparing to barricade myself in an Astoria apartment with silver bullets, whittled crosses of what used to be a dining set, and a makeshift machete fashioned from a refrigerator fan, I wonder whether Harold Camping, the 89-year old radio broadcaster, Christian Evangelist and impetus of my paranoia was initially swayed by Michael Stipe, who initially prophesied the end of existence on the 1987 album Document when he proclaimed “it starts with an earthquake, birds and snakes, [and] an aeroplane.”
Perhaps he wasn’t far off inasmuch as Camping has declared that 6 pm on May 21 will bring “this tremendous earthquake that’s going to make the last earthquake in Japan seem like nothing in comparison. And the whole world will be alerted that Judgment Day has begun.”
These earthquakes will continue in succession as each time zone hits 6 pm, which means that at certain moments you will be able to see territories that have been divided by human mathematics shake, undulate, and rupture while you stand on the solid ground beneath your feet, thanking the heavens that you and your family were dedicated individuals who “have quit their jobs and left their families to get the message out” like those who are “passing out tracts and reading the Bible” because they “don’t see the need for one more dollar.”
Within those with such dedication, I see something noble in trying to save as many lives as possible, and those who don’t listen only have themselves to blame for not listening to Camping, who, with “no formal religious training” has only one time before made a prediction that didn’t come to fruition when he prophesied the end of the world in 1994, but he can’t truly be blamed for a math error that was caused by the denseness of Jeremiah, a rather intricate book in the Old Testament. Besides, when publishing 1994?, he “put a big question mark after [the title], and in the book it also indicated that 2011 was also a good possibility,” so he was merely kindling fear, not necessarily mongering it.
This time around, the math has been meticulously reviewed and proves that “we know it is absolutely going to happen with no question at all.” After all, how could you doubt an equation that factors in the number of books in the Old Testament (46), the Deadly Sins (7), the Cardinal virtues (4), Jesus divided by pi, pi divided by Judas, the number of miracles performed (33) and is divided by the cosine of the Apocrypha (9). This time my friends, it is fool proof, not like the wealth of other biblical contradictions that condone and denounce slavery, homosexuality, masturbation, pre-marital sex, birth control, and capital punishment.
And, if there is any way to prepare for the beginning of the end of the world, it would be to refer to the most helpful tips provided to us by cinema:
As per 2012, a movie that missed the mark by a year but gets an honorable mention, we know that earthquakes and natural disasters chase cars and target specific people, so don’t try to run. It’s best just to stay in place as if you were evading a tyrannosaurus rex, one of those fictional monsters fabricated by opponents of intelligent design whose only evidence boils down to fossils.
When the earth similarly turns on us, we can always recall the wisdom of The Day After Tomorrow, in which we learn that large ships can navigate themselves through a narrow city covered in ice. But most importantly, wolves are survivors that are impervious to the elements, particularly when they hunger for blood from a perpetually brooding male figure that shows anger, frustration, sadness, and contempt all by crossing his arms and scowling.
We’ve also learned that it’s sometimes best to be rogue and worry about your own existence, but if you’re going to partner up with someone, it’s best to have an African-American in your corner. Morgan Freeman kept the heads of our country cool in Deep Impact, Denzel Washington became the preacher of a new civilization in The Book of Eli, and Will Smith saved the world from interplanetary annihilation in Independence Day and fought off a wealth of preternatural creatures in I am Legend. Lest we forget Tina Turner in Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome?
If perchance, a Will Smith-type figure is not around or has been melted by a fire-weilding angel, it might be best to locate a down-on-his luck, trying to atone for his transgressions blue collar worker like Randy Quaid in Independence Day or Bruce Willis in Armageddon. Self-sacrifice is often an admirable quality in someone that is not you.
With that, I bid you all adieu and hope to see you on the other side of the apocalypse.
