As the New York City Sanitation Department is condemned for their lackadaisical performance during last week’s blizzard, I gaze out my window at the piles of uncollected garbage that fill our New York City street, so it seems appropriate to make a brief list of the rubbish movies that I saw this year. Now, just for clarification, only movies that I’ve seen are on this list, so you won’t find the adult-micturation-based Grown Ups or the erectile dysfunction-driven Little Fockers on the list. Nor can I say that I’ve seen Furry Vengeance or Yogi Bear. The first looked deplorable while the second morally infuriates me. I hate that thieving bear and his added-syllable butchering of the English language. Now, had Yogi’s misdemeanor basket snatching resulted in Robin Hood-style part-time philanthropy, I could stand his hi-jinks; however, his avarice just rubs me the wrong way, as I assume he also does to Booboo.
That said, on to business. There are no numbers on this list as ranking the worst is like listing your preferred ways to die. (Off the top of my head, I would go: Falling in a combine, climbing Mt. Everest, swarm of angry beavers, dysentary, subdermal hematoma, lightning on a golf course, mid-coitus but closer to post, gator.)
Tron Legacy
Marketed as an action movie driven by visuals and partially transferred to 3-D, Tron: Legacyfails to deliver on the first two and fulfills the last one, seemingly to grasp potential viewers. The use of a young CGI Jeff Bridges is technologically fascinating, but even Dude Cogburn can’t capture the bounty on rescuing this film. (Read full review)
Brooklyn’s Finest
Well intentioned but too hyperbolic for its own good. The improbable connection at the end feels like a stab at sanctimony, and I’m sure there’s a message somewhere, but instead of being finely sharpened, it’s more like a baby rattle, incessant and annoying. (Read full review)
Alice in Wonderland
It’s a shame to put a Tim Burton film on the list in that, in general, I’m a fan of all of his other flicks. And truthfully, this adaptation is much closer to the Carroll classic than the Disneyfied cartoon from 1951. Plus, Depp gives a fine performance as the Mad Hatter. Unfortunately, this update was still produced by Disney, and it’s almost as if Chairman Mouse stood next to Burton during the last few days of filming and squeaked: “Where’s the gimmick? Haha. You know, the hook? Haha. Something to market?” How else does one explain the inexplicable “funderwhacking”? What’s more, 3-D killed this film because it was added in post-production. So, while most of the shots were 2-D, a number of gimmicky scenes were transferred to 3-D, which makes the film jumpy and disconnects the audience. (Read full review)
Shutter Island
Solid cast that includes a multiple Oscar nominee? Yep. One of the best directors in history? Yep. A completely predictable twist that occurs two hours into the movie? Yep. Thirty minutes of exposition after the twist in an attempt to weave some bit of plausibility to an improbable scenario? Yep. The exploitation of Auschwitz and tragedy to cultivate a deep – yet completely irrelevant – theme? Certainly. My $12.50 back? Priceless. (Read full review)
Splice
This movie is so high on my list of Worst because it started off promisingly, reversing stereotypical gender roles showing the male’s biological clock ticking away while his mate would rather focus on her career. Something a touch different, but the third act to this film suggests the producers felt horror would be a more profitable genre, or the writers just got lazy à alien becomes in love with father-figure; he reciprocates = girlfriend upset. Major therapy bills in the works. That’s it! Get Maury Povich! GCI Freud’s likeness! Greenlight the sequel! (Read full review)
Predators
More disappointing than bad, though it is pretty close to disappointingly awful. Picture a planet with a community of chameleon aliens that are incredibly carnivorous and their hobbies include removing heads and spinal columns in one yank, sewing human skin shawls, and blowing things up with laser beams. Now add a handful of people who are mysteriously dropped from a plane in the first sequence. Sounds like a fun ride, yes? Unfortunately, the combat scenes between aliens and humans are highly disappointing. The attempt at a plot twist can be seen from miles away – no one will assume that Topher Grace has any place with this band of jacked-up mercenary-looking folk – and the ending is taken directly from the original Predator. These movies are not based on a How-To-Kill Predators guide book, people. Be original, or at least creative.
The Wolfman
Blaaagh! That’s all I got. Oh, wait. She rode in on a white horse! (Read full review)
Devil
Truthfully, I didn’t see this, but I figure the entire plot, twist, and ending can be deduced from the trailer. Plus, it’s hard not to put Shyamalan on a list of worst films. He tries hard, I think, but in the end, there’s a lot of technique, very little substance, and a wealth of predictability. (Read review based on the preview)
