As has been known to happen, I drank way too much last Friday and was thus incapable — or at least unwilling — to do anything other than stare at the glowing box of moving light in my living room for the duration of the following day. And since sound decision-making was just one more task I wasn’t interested in doing, I simply watched whatever the should-be-out-of-a-job cable TV execs decided to broadcast throughout the day.
I’m not sure if it was just dumb luck or if every Saturday features such a God-awful selection of flicks to chose from, but between six HBOs, six Cinemaxes, TBS, TNT, Bravo, TCM, AMC, IFC and whatever other channels I happen to get, there was at least a wide breadth of movies for me to pick from — crappy movies … but movies nonetheless.
The following five are the movies I had the misfortune of watching.
If anyone out there has ever watched an array of crappier movies in a single day, (a) I’m sorry to hear that, and (b) I would love to hear what they were below in the comments.
Watching this for 10 hours would have been productive.
Striking Distance
This was not the last movie I watched, but it was certainly the least. Wow. Just staggering levels of retardation going on here. Striking Distance immediately leapt onto the short list of the worst movies I have ever seen. Bruce Willis is probably a Top 10 favorite actor of mine, and it was only his skillful and uncanny ability to play his patented Bruce Willis character that kept this as “laughably, borderline campy bad” rather than “holy crap I’m turning the channel right now bad.” As far as horrible action flick cliches go, it really has a little bit of everything: a serial killer, an alcoholic cop, depression, a psychological disorder, a “two years later” jump cut, a “sexy” female cop “out-of-water” (“sexy” in quotes because it’s Sarah Jessica Parker, and “out-of-water” in quotes because she is a boat cop), a tomboy wearing a “sultry” red dress at a formal event (again, Horseface), a red herring killer, impossible car chases, a boat chase, explosions, an underwater fight, a suicidal bridge-jumper, “loyalty to your partner vs. loyalty to justice” questions, sibling rivalry, corrupt cops, a man trying to make his dad proud, an “opposites attract” romance, a guy trying to frame someone for murder, an underdog redemption, a comically unrealistic twist and the classic “he’s definitely dead … WAIT! NO! … HE’S STILL ALIVE” move. If you ever get the chance, do yourself a favor and watch this one. Like Manos: The Hands of Fate and the Nic Cage Wicker Man remake, it’s really bad enough that you actually should see it.
DYL MAG Rating: 1/10
Executive Decision
This is one highly entertaining piece of garbage.
Recipe:
1 Part Speed;
2 Parts Air Force One;
Combine and heat to boil;
Add 1 part Clear and Present Danger;
Sprinkle in an unexpected — and glorious — early midair-death for Steven Seagal;
Season to taste with a gorgeous Halle Berry in her prime.
Serves one. Happily.
DYL MAG Rating: 6/10
The Da Vinci Code
This was the only movie of the five that I had seen before. What can I say? I’m a sucker for shitty, sacrilegious scavenger hunts, so I rather enjoy this terrible, terrible movie and will probably watch it several more times before I die. Make no mistake, however … it definitely sucks the sacred masculine sword something heavy.
DYL MAG Rating: 6/10
Murder By Numbers
Let’s just break this one down Abridged Script-style, (c) The Editing Room:
HIGH SCHOOL KID #1
We should kill someone
HIGH SCHOOL KID #2
Think so? We totally could. I’m really smart.
HIGH SCHOOL KID #1
You’re smart and I’m badass. It will totally work.
HIGH SCHOOL KID #1 and HIGH SCHOOL KID #2 kill some lady
HIGH SCHOOL KID #1
That was easy. We’re home free.
HIGH SCHOOL KID #2
Of course we are. I mean, Sandra Bullock is the detective in this movie and she seems to preternaturally think we might have done it despite the lack of logical motive or evidence, but, yeah, you’re probably right … We’re all set. She’s just the main character.
SANDRA BULLOCK
Hey, guys. You killed someone.
HIGH SCHOOL KIDS [together]
Nuh-uh
SANDRA BULLOCK
Oh … OK … But I’m a borderline psychopath myself, so I’m gonna keep investigating against the chief of police’s orders cause I’m a maverick going rogue with a hunch. Cool?
HIGH SCHOOL KID #1
Whatevs, sugar tits.
SANDRA BULLOCK gets bit by a monkey
SANDRA BULLOK
C’mon, guys. I know it was you. The attack monkey proves it.
HIGH SCHOOL KIDS [together]
Shucks. You’re right. We can’t outsmart you, I guess. Let’s have a climatic shootout now.
SANDRA BULLOCK
OK. But I’m going to kill you.
HIGH SCHOOL KIDS [together]
Whatevs.
THE END
DYL MAG Rating: 4/10
Notorious
(Important Disclaimer: This is the awful movie about the rapper The Notorious B.I.G. and the rise of Bad Boy Records — not the really good Hitchcock movie that I thought I was about to watch until I oh-so-disappointedly realized I was about to make a huge mistake.)
I can’t tell whether or not I would have liked this more or less if I wasn’t a really big hip hop/Biggie fan. I want to say I might have not hated the silly cartoonishness of the whole thing quite as much if I was less familiar with the source material. But then again, if I wasn’t a fan, I probably would have hated all the extended scenes of the actor talentlessly reciting semi-obscure Biggie tracks like “Warning” or “Who Shot Ya?” I mean, I definitely didn’t enjoy those scenes regardless, but I at least like those songs when they’re being performed by arguably the greatest rapper of all time and, ya know, not some fat dude who mimics Big’s flow worse than I do and sorta looks like Big if you think all black people look alike. Ultimately, watching Notorious felt like being stuck in one long, melodramatic karaoke performance that also featured a comically-not-true-to-life-looking version of Tupac and a very well-breasted version of Lil’ Kim, who was by far the best part about the movie. The only other thing I remotely enjoyed was the 9-year-old kid they found to play Lil’ Cease, which made every scene he was in feel like a bad In Living Color sketch. That was good times and really drove home the Junior M.A.F.I.A.-inspired credo that motivated the filming of this movie in the first place: “Get Money.”
DYL MAG Rating: 3/10
